If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
