Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
