i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need a beard to bite.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
