I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
