Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
