he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
