apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
