the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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