dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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