So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
