After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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