the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
