Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
