Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
