come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
