In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
