Fine. I'll sleep in my office
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
