I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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