Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
