the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
