When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
