And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
