i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
