I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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