Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
