As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
