You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
