I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
