i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
