i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
