she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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