I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
