I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
