Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
