i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
