Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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