I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
