im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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