You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
