I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
