My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
