just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
