I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
