Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
