watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have aggressive nipples.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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