Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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