new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
