she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
