just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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