on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
