I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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