So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
